Breaking Barriers
by AngelRays95
Summary: Set after the last ever episode of Casualty 1909, Ethel is struggling with Dr. Culpin's rejection while Millais wonders whether he has made a mistake in choosing Ethel's career over their relationship...
1. Chapter 1

The day had been long and Ethel felt dishevelled and unclean. Her white, starched nurse's uniform was now creased and bloodied, a horrific reminder of the people they had lost that evening. Though she knew it wasn't her fault – she had worked for hours trying to save two young children from the workhouse – it was difficult not to think that she could have done more. It had always been a ridiculous ambition to think she could become a doctor, and a good doctor at that.

Walking down the now quiet corridor, she slowed as she passed Dr. Culpin's slightly open door. She paused, wondering whether she should go in, but their last conversation had been tense and had ended awkwardly, and she wasn't sure how to approach him now. Had their relationship been kept on a more professional level, perhaps things would have been easier, but they were compromised. Colleagues, or even friends, simply didn't describe what they felt for one another, and the passionate kiss they had shared was simply evidence of that fact.

Now, however, after their argument, she didn't feel comfortable going to see him as though nothing had changed. With his harsh words now plaguing her mind, she walked on, determined not to look back even if he came out, while still willing him to do so. As she reached the end of the corridor, she waited for a second, wondering if he had heard the clip of her shoes on the floor, but the corridor remained quiet, and she turned the corner without further hesitation.

xxx

Millais Culpin sat at his desk with a thick textbook open in front of him, his mind far from incisions and scalpels. Ethel, he was almost certain now, had walked past his door without coming to see him, and though he desperately tried to ignore the fact that it bothered him, her rejection stung him badly.

Only two days previously, she had declared she wanted to be his wife and give up any ambition of becoming a doctor... and he had bluntly refused to listen. Now, it seemed, he was the one to be snubbed. Though he couldn't blame her, he simply wasn't willing to be believe that she had given up so easily – and about something they could return to once she had been trained properly. She was young, naïve, and wished her life to hurry up to greet her – he could remember feeling exactly the same at her age – but to consider marriage in the same category as becoming a doctor was ludicrous!

There was only a small part of him, minuscule in fact, which wondered about this particular possibility. After they had kissed that night, having almost been interrupted, he had imagined what life would be like to share it with her. To wake every morning and see her radiant face relaxed in slumber beside him. The thought of his auburn curls surrounding the face of a child with the same wide, beautiful eyes as Ethel almost made him smile. Almost. He refrained, unable to think of it too much without his heart aching for it to become a reality.

In truth, marrying Ethel was as fine an ambition as any other, but she deserved so much _more _than that! A doctor's wife... She could _be _a doctor, and it was that thought that put the first firmly out of his head. He was resolute in his belief that she would make a fine doctor – one who was caring, considerate but who was still firm and professional. She was a magnificent student, and could be an even better teacher to other women wishing to join the medical profession at a higher level.

As the words began to swim before his eyes, he knew it was time to stop and go home, but part of him was eager to stay, simply for the reason that Ethel may return. The thought of her wandering the corridor alone, looking for him, was such a sad and pitying thought that he couldn't bring himself to go, and as he leaned back in the hard wooden chair, he promised himself that he would do everything within his power to make sure she made the right decision.


	2. Chapter 2

The first Millais knew that it was morning was when his head hit the floor. As his eyelids fluttered open, he could vaguely make out his gloomy office room where chinks of light were breaking through the gap between the curtains. His back, aching from having been asleep upright, now shuddered at the sudden movement. He pulled himself up from the fallen chair, groaning from his throbbing muscles and battered head, and squinted at the sudden burst of sunlight which hit his eyes.

The spare set of clothes he kept in his drawer made him give a sigh of relief, and as he began to unbutton his shirt, he didn't notice that the door had partially creaked open. Ethel, unable to speak and frozen to the spot, watched as the doctor peeled off his stained shirt and bent down to take the fresh clothing from the drawer. Her eyes focused on the pale skin of his back, the indents of his spine, and the small, dark freckles peppering his shoulders and arms. Her eyes widened as he began to unbuckle his trousers, and she quickly turned, having had her curiosity rapidly quelled by the overwhelming shame and embarrassment which came from peering into his office unasked.

The sudden movement caught the doctor's eye, and as he turned he could only make out the swish of starched fabric before he heard the echoing click-clack of heels retreating down the corridor. He hurried to button his shirt before running to the door, anxious to know who had seen him, but the nurse had gone, and he couldn't be sure it was Ethel.

As he returned to dressing himself, his mind raced at the thought of her innocent eyes staring at him, and gulped. Though he prayed to God it hadn't been her, in a dark corner at the back of his mind, he couldn't help smiling at the thought. His heart skipped a beat, and his fingers shook as he did the last button before flattening his collar and leaving the office. How he was going to look her in the eye today seemed impossible now...

xxx

By the time Ethel had composed herself enough to start work, everyone else was busy dressing wounds or helping the other doctors. Sister Russell was hurrying past her when she stopped abruptly after seeing that one of her nurses was standing idle.

'Is anything the matter, Nurse Bennett?' she asked curtly, turning her head slightly to raise her eyebrows at the nurse.

Ethel shook her head silently, unsure whether to walk away and start her work, or to continue standing, doing nothing.

'Well then, I'm sure there are many patients who are needing your attention. Do not let me catch you doing nothing again.' The warning was very clear, and the punishment even clearer from her clipped tone.

As Ethel hurried off to begin cleaning a gash on a patient's forehead, Dr. Ingrams shyly walked up behind her, waiting for her to slow down so he could speak. It was only when he cleared his throat quietly that she realised he was there at all, and she jumped from the fright.

'Sorry... sorry. Dr. Culpin requires some assistance with a patient... a female patient.' The young man blushed and looked at his feet, and therefore he didn't see the look of complete terror in her eyes as she digested this piece of information. She wasn't entirely sure whether Millais had asked for _her _assistance especially, or if Dr. Ingrams had simply picked her at random, but she didn't wish to find out either way. She quickly scanned the ward for another nurse to take her place and when her eyes finally halted on her friend, Laura, she smiled and hurried past the doctor to her.

'Nurse Goodley, Dr. Culpin needs a nurse to help him with a female patient,' she said, unable to hide the urgency in her voice.

Laura, already puzzled by her friend's request as she had noticed the warm glances the doctor and Ethel shared between them, turned to see Ethel looking flustered and pleading at her, though to say what she had no idea.

'I need to finish this patient's dressing, Nurse Bennett. I'm sure you can-'

'No! No, I'm very busy, and he needs someone now. _Please_,' she whispered, ignoring an impatient Dr. Ingrams who was now fidgeting behind her.

Laura, after a moment's pause, sighed and nodded, telling Ethel to make sure her patient's wound was cleaned thoroughly before being dressed. Ethel agreed, swearing to thank her friend as soon as they were alone, even though it would mean explaining why she couldn't have gone herself.

Xxx

Dr. Culpin, who was still wrestling with the older woman now screaming if he even moved near her, was surprised when Nurse Goodley entered after Dr. Ingrams, having expected to see Ethel's beautiful yet embarrassed face. He found he was far too disappointed than he ought to have been, but he pushed the feeling down and greeted the nurse with a grateful smile.

'I think I will wait outside,' he said, excusing himself graciously before leaving the poor nurse to it. Leaning back against the wall, he closed his eyes and imagined what would happen the next time he saw her, and his chest contracted slightly at the very idea. Ethel was a woman who thought constantly but said very little, and he knew that she would not mention what she had encountered, however he was certain her mind would be running over his naked skin once more as soon as they greeted each other.

A shiver ran down his spine, and he opened his eyes to find that Dr. Ingrams was standing beside him, looking just as shaken as he felt.

Millais smiled, knowing how it felt to be a junior doctor completely out of his depth.

'It will get easier,' he promised, and Harry nodded in response though he didn't look at all convinced.

'I don't think they take me seriously, you know,' he replied eventually, looking quite deflated under the bright light above them.

Millais chuckled, knowing just how hard patients could be when it came to doctors.

'Don't worry. One thing they never teach you in the books is courtesy or patience... that comes with experience.'

'I know, I know. I just thought they would have more respect for me. Nurse Bennett completely ignored me!' he exclaimed, seeming almost like a petulant child.

At the mention of her name, Millais turned suddenly to stare at the young doctor, waiting for a proper explanation.

'Nurse Bennett?'

'Yes. I told her you needed a nurse to help with a patient, and she asked Nurse Goodley to go instead because she was busy. She didn't say a word to me. It was like I was completely invisible to her.'

As Millais attempted to process this information, he found his blood progress from simmering to boiling in a matter of seconds. How dare she shun his obvious attempt at a reconciliation! They may have argued, but at least he was making an effort to patch up their differences!

With his heart full of fire, he turned on his heel and marched down the corridor, ready to do battle with the wilful nurse.

'Dr. Culpin... The patient..!' Dr. Ingrams exclaimed uncertainly, doubting his own level of knowledge on how to handle the patient while hoping the senior doctor continued walking without answering him.

'You need the experience more than I do,' Millais called back before rounding the corner without another word.


	3. Chapter 3

Ethel, having been submerged in blood and bandages, was relishing the opportunity to simply be a nurse without the intense pressure of Millais scrutinising her work. The freedom to make mistakes and having the unrestricted knowledge on how to put it right gave her an almost God-like feeling, and she enjoyed washing off the red stains from the operating table, almost as though she were washing away her troubles. It was only when she heard loud footsteps approaching that she returned to reality.

Her surprise at seeing Dr. Culpin enter only grew when she realised his expression was far from civil.

'You were unavailable to help, I hear,' he said brusquely without even greeting her as a gentleman of his, or any, rank would have.

'I was attending to a patient and I couldn't simply leave on a whim,' she explained, finding her voice rising as her anger sizzled below the surface.

Millais shook his head, evidently not believing a word of it.

'A whim? I needed urgent assistance as a female patient refused treatment from a male member of staff. I asked for a moment of your _precious _time to help. The least you could have done was be polite enough as to come when I asked.'

Ethel could say nothing in response, so stunned was she at being accused of doing her job. How could he possibly stand there, looking so superior, and have the audacity as to blame her for being a nurse! It was not her fault that she had changed her mind about being a doctor – if he was disappointed then it was his own fault for raising his hopes above and beyond what she could ever have achieved.

'I will not apologise for my behaviour. I was unavailable to assist and therefore I asked another nurse to go instead. That is all,' she replied, looking him straight in the eye. He did not unnerve her, even if he was a highly esteemed doctor and... looked rather handsome when riled, and she wished to show him that she was just as capable of standing her own ground as he.

She saw his jaw lock as he ground his teeth together, and she felt the sudden urge to slap him across the face for being so candid and boorish. He had no right to speak to her in such a manner, no matter what had previously transpired between them. He may have kissed her, and she may have responded to that kiss, but that did not make her his to do with as he pleased. He did not _own _her.

Realising the cloth which she was still holding was now dripping onto the floor, Ethel quickly squeezed it into the basin and carried on scouring the table, far harder than she had been doing before. Millais watched her, transfixed on her elegant hand now gripping the sodden rag like a vice, and could hardly believe such a petite woman could have such strength within her.

'What are you doing?' he asked, having meant to simply think it. He stared at her, dumbfounded that she could so easily switch off from their heated argument without saying anything more, even if it was just to dismiss him.

Ethel slowed before looking up, her eyes showing no emotion. It intimidated him a great deal to find she was coping with this far better than he was.

'I am cleaning the operating table, as I am sure you are already well aware,' she said acerbically, her voice as cold as ice. She had no energy left to fight against him.

'I wasn't aware our conversation had finished,' he replied, sounding almost like a small boy who was lost. Her other hand ached to reach out and hold him to her, but she refrained, knowing that the time for such intimacies had passed them by.

'We have nothing left to say to each other, Millais. And I am still very busy-'

'You don't know what I really came here to say...'

'No, but I do know that I am tired of listening. If I was needed so urgently before, then why are you here and not there?' she enquired, and he was tempted to tell her how he felt as a response. He knew she would have nothing to say in return to that, but somehow, to use his strengthening feelings for her simply to stop her talking seemed cruel, and he wanted those words to come when they were both blissfully happy, rather than when they were at each other's throats.

'Harry is perfectly capable of looking after things by himself,' he said finally, knowing it to be a poor explanation.

Ethel shook her head, surprised and disappointed at Millais' apparent irresponsibility. He should have known better.

'_Harry _is a junior doctor and inexperienced. You are his mentor, Millais, and you need to be there for him, even if it is just to instil confidence into him. He needs the support of a senior doctor, and you aren't doing that.'

Silence descended on them and neither knew what else to say. They had both said and done things they regretted, but it seemed far too late to retract it all now.

'I'm not just _his_ mentor, though, am I?' Millais finally said, looking at her for the first time with soft, calm eyes. But she knew, behind those eyes there was a motive for these words, and it irritated her to the point of screaming, knowing that he was still thinking of her as his student.

'I see no other junior doctor in this hospital.'

Millais paused before saying what he had been about to say. If he did, he knew there would be no turning back. They could never be anything more than doctor and nurse afterwards, and yet he couldn't help himself – it was intolerable just watching her throw her dreams away because of him.

'Then you're not looking hard enough,' he replied, and with that he turned and left, leaving Ethel reeling behind him as he retreated.


	4. Chapter 4

All afternoon, Millais found himself continually distracted by nurse's voices, all sounding identical to Ethel, and hearing the familiar tap of shoes against the floor as women passed him on the ward. He repeatedly hoped to see her, explain to her why he was so desperate for her to fight for her ambitions as he was so fervently doing, and yet still she kept her distance. In fact, for almost four hours he hadn't seen or heard her – and it was driving him slowly insane.

After returning to his patient, he found Dr. Ingrams deeply anxious about going near the frantic, shrieking woman, and Nurse Goodley looking rather annoyed at being left with such an inexperienced doctor. Millais had to make several apologies for running off, and took charge immediately to make up for it. And all the while he was treating his patient, he could hear Ethel's words flitting through his head. Was he really not doing his duty by letting Harry do things for himself? Should he really be helping the boy _every _step of the way? When he had been a junior doctor, he had been left to deal with patients completely on his own, and look at him now! However, he could still remember that feeling of being thrown in at the deep end without any kind of anchor to keep him from floating away, and he had always been glad when another doctor came to check on him.

At the moment, however, his student was having a well-earned ten minutes break from wailing patients, and Millais sincerely hoped he was grateful, as once he became a fully fledged doctor there would no time for any breaks, even ten minute ones.

At that moment, the doors slammed open and another patient was brought in. Before Millais had even had a proper look, he could clearly see the splintered bone of the fibula now protruding from a gaping wound in the man's leg. A sorry mess, but one that could be sorted, he was glad to admit.

As he hurried after his patient into a quieter room, he felt Dr. Ingrams presence behind him and smiled. At least he's on the ball, Millais thought to himself.

'Right, let's have a look, shall we?' he said steadily, stooping to have a closer inspection. Harry, eager to help in whatever way he could, stooped as well, and Millais decided to let the new doctor have a try.

'Dr. Ingrams, what would be the appropriate action for such a case?'

Harry, stunned at being asked such a question, began trawling through the medical notes in his head, and then listed off everything he knew about broken bones.

Millais nodded periodically, waiting for his student to finish, and then stepped aside, telling him to enact what he had just perfectly described. The look of pure fear in the boy's eyes was enough to make him laugh, but with a firm pat on the shoulder, he told him that there was nothing to worry about, and then left him to it.

Outside, Millais found his thoughts again returning to Ethel, and wondered whether this was doing his mental health any good. Since she had arrived, he couldn't remember a single day when he hadn't thought about her in one way or another, and it had become increasingly worse as the months went on.

As a patient was rolled past on a trolley with a doctor running behind, he realised Nurse Bennett was with them, clutching the man's bloodied clothes in her arms. As she dropped his shirt and bent to pick it up, Millais couldn't help going to her aid, and when their fingers touched they looked at one another instinctively, and neither could turn away.

'I have to-'

She was stopped by his strong hand grasping hers, a look of desperation in his emerald eyes. She knew, as did he, that they didn't need words to communicate – one look was sufficient in conveying what speech could not.

They stood, close enough for him to feel her breath on his skin, and all he wanted was to take her in his arms, and explain that all he wanted was to make her happy. But the moment was shattered as her name was called, and as her eyes slid past him down the corridor, he knew he had to let her go. For now.

One fleeting, apologetic glance was all she gave, but it was enough to keep him going until he saw her again. And then she was gone, racing to catch up, Millais shoved his shaking hand inside his trouser pocket, and decided to ignore the fact that his entire body was trembling.


	5. Chapter 5

With another day finished, Ethel paused as she saw her reflection in the slightly dusty window to her right. Her hair was coming loose, her cheeks were flushed from running everywhere, and her eyes were gleaming still from Millais' touch. She had never seen him so... passionate before, or at least, she had never seen him so passionate about anything other than his work. She knew how much it meant to him, and she admired him for having such conviction and emotion for his career. Being a doctor was a part of him, and it made him who he was – in the way he washed his hands, or in the way he talked or stood. Millais _was _a doctor. But in that reflection, all Ethel could see was a nurse: a good nurse, a kind nurse, but a nurse all the same. And she felt a sudden, overwhelming sense of pride which both startled and comforted her.

As she reached the front of the hospital waiting area, and found there to be very few patients left to be seen, her mind grew still, and she drank in The London properly for the first time since she had arrived. To be part of such an institution was an honour, she knew, but she had never had any time to fully take it in. Through all the horror, the bloodshed, and the pain, The London would stay standing as strong as ever, and it gave her such a feeling of reassurance as she had ever known before.

'Nurse Bennett.'

The voice, icy and blunt, cut through Ethel like a blade, and as she turned, she was met by the steely gaze of Sister Luckes, looking her usual stern self.

'Yes, Sister Luckes,' Ethel replied, trying to appear as though she was supposed to be standing uselessly, but to no avail.

'May I speak with you frankly?' she asked, and Ethel was unsure how to answer. Since Dr. Culpin had stood up for her, Sister Luckes had taken a disliking to Ethel which she was certain she would be unable to shake off, and Ethel knew that whatever Sister Luckes was about to say would definitely be about her 'illegal' training.

'You may,' came her polite response, and hoped it would count in her favour in some small way.

Sister Luckes nodded graciously, and then pulled the nurse to one side so they would not be disturbed. 'I understand that you and Dr. Culpin have grown very close of late.'

Ethel hid her face so the older woman might not see the heat which rose like a fire in her cheeks.

'Yes, I see. I must warn you now, Nurse Bennett, that if your... friendship were to grow any further, it simply could not be tolerated. I have tried to keep you both apart, but it seems not even my powers can stop you two. I understand what young love can be like, how it can take hold, but you must see that you could have no profession within this hospital if you carried on, especially not a profession which I have recently become aware that you are aspiring towards. Please believe me when I say, Nurse Bennett, that I do not wish to interfere, but I may have to if you give me no other choice. Do you understand?'

Ethel nodded silently, unable to speak. Her heart had fallen a thousand feet in just one second, and she was unsure if she could even walk. In her mind, she saw Millais fading from her thoughts, and it pained her to even imagine it. How could she give him up when he had become an everyday fixture in her life – as natural as breathing? But to stop nursing, to never enter The London again... it seemed equally as impossible, and equally as painful as the first option.

'Thank you, Sister Luckes, for explaining the situation. You have been most kind,' Ethel finally said, trying to keep hold of the strands inside her which were fraying and snapping rapidly.

Sister Luckes smiled sympathetically and then left, and as soon as she was out of sight, Ethel found herself sprinting down the corridor, tears welling like pockets of water, towards Millais' office. She prayed he was there so that she could fall into his arms, feel his warm chest against her cheek, and his lips against her hair. If it came to choosing, she knew she could never leave him. Never.

As she flung the door open, she found him sitting at his desk, spectacles perched halfway down his straight, angular nose, and concentrating fiercely on a document. As soon as she entered, he stood up, jumping at the unexpected commotion.

'Ethel?' he said, right before she wrapped her arms around his waist. For one moment, he did not return her embrace, so shocked was he at this sudden display of affection, but when he heard her breaking sobs, he quickly pulled her closer, sitting down and pulling her with him so that she was sitting on his lap. Her head rested on his shoulder, and fat, salty tears dripping onto his shirt, he stroked her hair and rocked her gently in his arms, cradling her to him.

'What's wrong?' he whispered gently into her ear, his lips so close to her skin that she shivered at the tender contact.

'She knows... Us... She knows...' Ethel managed to blurt out, her chest heaving as fear, exhaustion and pain consumed her. All she wanted was to be with him, always, and now that could be taken away from her.

Millais, aware about the questions Sister Luckes had been asking about them both, knew who Ethel meant immediately, and knew also what this meant for them. Instinctively he gripped her tighter, as though someone was about to burst through the door and take her now.

'I'm so sorry, Ethel. I should never have let this happen.'

'What do you mean?' she asked shakily, looking up at him with wide, puzzled eyes.

He shook his head. 'I should never have got involved... I've endangered us both, and that was unfair of me.'

Ethel couldn't move. What was he saying? 'You mean... you regret it? You regret _us_?' Fury tainted by fear made her voice shake uncontrollably, and she could hardly believe that he was giving up so easily, almost as though he hadn't even considered that there was any other option.

Millais, realising how it had sounded and knowing he was losing his grip on her, pulled her back towards him and cupped her cheek in his hand, pulling her face towards him.

'_Never. _I would _never _regret us. But your career-'

She silenced him with a kiss, so loving and passionate that all he could do was respond with just as much emotion as she. He crushed his lips to hers, his fingers threading through her hair as his other hand moved to the small of her back, pressing her forwards. She could feel he needed her, and she longed for him as well. Being with him, next to him, made the decision all the more easier – suddenly, losing her career did not seem such a high price to pay to stay with him.

Her hands hungrily found the collar of his shirt, and as she began to unbutton it agiley, he took her wrists and kissed each finger softly, his eyes sincere, loving, as he gazed at her.

'I love you,' she whispered, her heart fluttering at having said it.

He smiled, as though that was all he needed in the world to keep him alive, and then gently leant away from her so he could reach the document on his desk.

'Is this really the time for paperwork, Millais?' she teased, trying to kiss him again but he pulled away at the very last moment, and she knew he had something important to say. A knot former in her stomach as he unfolded the parchment, and she was terrified he was about to tell her of another reason why they couldn't be together.

'This is a letter from a friend of mine, a doctor... in Shanghai.' He paused to gauge her reaction, but she was still blissfully unaware of what he was about to hit her with. 'I wasn't going to accept the position, considering you would still be in London, and I could never leave you behind. But considering Sister Luckes is intent on forcing one of us out, I'm beginning to wonder whether this new position is rather more of a blessing than a curse.'

She stayed silent, speechless that he was still going to leave her, even after she had declared his love for him. How could he...

Realising she was upset, Millais knew Ethel hadn't understood, and smiled reassuringly at her.

'If I left, and if you came with me, then we could still carry on in the medical profession, but we could also be married. We could get married, Ethel, and I could still train you.'

She gasped, her heart filling with paralysing shock and then infinite joy. It was exactly what she had always dreamed of, and now that Freddy was dead, she had no family left in London. There would be nothing to be lost by leaving, but so much to gain.

'Yes,' she breathed, and he hugged her, trailing kisses down the length of her neck. He had never been happier than he was in that moment.

'I love you, Ethel Bennett.'

'I love you, Millais Culpin.'

He kissed her gently on the forehead before getting up to close the door, making sure to switch the lights off as he went.

***This is not the last chapter, though you would be forgiven for thinking it was. However, there is still one more twist, so don't stop reading just yet!***


	6. Chapter 6

Ethel woke to find herself wrapped in a woollen blanket, her head lolling against the large, leather arm of the couch. As she stretched and opened her other eye, she found she was still in Millais' office, and he was nowhere to be seen. Luckily, she knew there was a spare set of clothes in the drawer, one for a doctor, and one for a nurse in case of emergencies. Making sure to lock the door for fear Millais might catch her getting dressed, she quickly changed, fixed her hair, and cautiously opened the door before hurrying out.

xxx

Millais, meanwhile, was talking to Sister Luckes about his plans of leaving, and taking Ethel with him. By the look on her face, she was not pleased at losing her best doctor, and nurse at the same time.

'I see my words jolted you both into action. I have to admit, I never thought this would be the outcome,' she finally replied, looking him straight in the eye.

Millais smiled, unable to control his happiness no matter who may be trying to squash it.

'Though I can only speak for myself, Sister Luckes, I cannot stomach another moment in this backward hospital when there are so many able, _female_ doctors just waiting to be trained,' he retaliated, knowing his comment would sting but suddenly wanting to hurt the woman who had so injured his love.

Sister Luckes sniffed before standing up. If Millais hadn't been so angry at her, perhaps he would have found her rather intimidating.

'I know _exactly _what you think on this matter, and I don't much care for your tone either, Dr. Culpin. However... I do understand why you have chosen Nurse Bennett to join you, and I can also see why, out of all the other nurses, she would be the most capable of being trained to become something more. But she is not even a Sister yet, and she would be laughed out of the profession if you even tried to get her in as a doctor. She needs to rise to the top of her own vocation, before moving on to her next.'

In some ways, Millais could almost see her point, but he was adamant that he could not leave Ethel here. Not when he was thousands of miles away in Shanghai.

'Ridiculous. She is able to achieve any and all of her dreams, without needing to go through every hoop first.'

'Perhaps not, but trying to bend the rules to fit in with your lives will not work either, as you well know. You cannot cut corners, Dr. Culpin, as it will endanger both of you, and you could find yourself without a job at all.'

The warning was clear, and yet Millais was still desperately trying to clutch that glimmering light at the end of the tunnel which promised a blissful future with his bride.

'Ethel is special. She doesn't need to become a sister, as she is already capable of becoming one now-'

'I agree.'

This halted any further points from him, and he looked up to find her face set in a deadly serious stare.

'Excuse me?'

'I am quite aware at what level my nurses are at, Dr. Culpin. And I agree with you that she is special. Nursing is a path which she chose, and I'm glad of it, because she has been an asset to The London since she arrived. I always intended for her to reach the very top, Dr. Culpin, even before you took any notice of her.'

There was a contented smile pulling at the corners of her mouth, and he couldn't help but feel unnerved by it. He felt as though he was about to fall into a very large trap, and yet he was blind to stop himself.

'What do you mean?'

'Medicine is a cruel and hard business, and one that is, as you say, rather backwards looking. However, they would look far more kindly on Ethel if she came to them as a Sister, than as a mere nurse. She will need all the help she can get to climb up the rungs of the medical ladder, and you are doing her no favours in whisking her off to a foreign country.'

He sighed, sitting down on the seat opposite and rubbing his tired eyes – he had barely had a wink of sleep all night, and not just because Ethel was lying next to him.

'What can I do? She wants to become a doctor... she is more stubborn than anyone I have ever met before. She loves me, and I love her, and I simply cannot find a solution which will benefit everyone.'

For the first time, Sister Luckes saw the more vulnerable side to the man she had always considered to be completely in control. He had struck her as being kind yet very sensible and practical, and she could see the turmoil he was in as he battled with his head and his heart.

'In my personal, and professional opinion, I would suggest that if you want to marry her, but also want to further her profession, then there really is only one way.'

xxx

Though Ethel was trying to concentrate on her work, that knot which had formed earlier in her stomach had now returned, and in Millais' absence, she found she did not have that comforting security which she so desired. Laura, also, had noticed in Ethel an unmistakable change, but as The London was busier than ever, she hadn't had the time to find out what was the matter.

As more patients flooded into the reception area, and with every staff member run off their feet, it seemed as though the day would never end, as the constant stream of the sick and wounded continued to pour in. It was only when the sky had turned a brooding shade of blue/black that finally it was time to stop.

Ethel was, yet again, scrubbing down the operating table and pouring basin after basin of tepid, bloody water down the drain. She felt dizzy with exhaustion, but satisfied that her life seemed to finally have a path and a purpose. Leaving London, and her friends, and this hospital as well would certainly be difficult, but she would cope, and as long as she had Millais there didn't seem a problem that could not be solved.

Millais, watching her from the glass pane in the doorway, felt a slow ache creep into his heart, knowing the sacrifice he was going to make. It was the right thing to do, but that didn't make it any easier to think about, far less say. How will she take it? he thought to himself, watching a small smile playing on her lips. He smiled as well, but there was a sad glint in his eye, and he couldn't understand why he should have to be put into this position. Surely there was another way?

Ethel looked up, saw him standing behind the door, and was about to smile at him and beckon him to enter, when she saw the look on his face. And just like that, her heart fell a thousand feet, and suddenly her life was back on very shaky ground.

***One more part! Please keep reading, and please review because it really does mean a lot to know my time and effort is being appreciated by someone :) Thanks!***


	7. Chapter 7

He pushed the door open apprehensively, unsure about how she would react. Ethel watched his guilty, remorseful eyes rise to meet her terrified gaze, and she knew. No words were needed to express the apology written blatantly across his face. They weren't going to Shanghai, or at least, not together...

'Come here,' he whispered, his strong arms outstretched to embrace her. She hesitated, so hurt and angry at him for going back on their plans, but eventually decided that this could be the last time they had a moment to themselves. What would be the point in wasting it by giving him the cold shoulder?

As she half stumbled into his arms, he pulled her tightly into him, letting his cheek brush across her hair lightly. He wanted to cherish this moment, knowing they wouldn't get another like it for quite some time.

'I'm sorry.' It was the only explanation he could give without his throat closing up, and he breathed deeply into her light brown curls. Why did this have to be so difficult?

'You don't need to be sorry for anything,' she replied, her heart breaking inside but her voice remaining calm. Numbness had dulled all her senses.

He kissed the dip between her collar bone and her shoulder, making her shiver, before pulling back to look at her properly.

'We can't...'

'It wasn't meant to be,' she said for him, feeling foolish for getting her hopes up. _It wasn't meant to be... _How could she even say it without crying? Her entire future had just evaporated before her eyes, and yet here she was, condoning his actions!

He placed a cool hand on her cheek, letting his thumb gently caress her cheekbone, and watched as the light faded from her eyes. He didn't know how he could continue to hurt her like this, knowing how happy she had been only yesterday. It all seemed like a bad dream which he was desperate to wake up from.

'They won't let you in... not until you're at least made a Sister. After that-'

'I think that's far enough in the future, don't you? I'm a nurse, Millais. We both know that I'll never be anything more than that. Not until the rules change.'

Millais' eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He was torn between agreeing with her, and questioning what the hell she was talking about!

'Don't you see? I'm doing all of this for you! So that you can become a Sister, and then a doctor. And once that happens, you can join me in Shanghai and as soon as you step off that boat, we can get married. I love you, Ethel, and I don't intend on giving you up forever. Just temporarily... for a greater good.' He feigned a cheery smile, trying to lighten the mood, but he knew she was disappointed. He felt the loss just as she did – they were both grieving over a life they couldn't have any longer.

'I wanted to come with you... now,' she said, trying hard not to make it sound as though she was pleading, but unable to refrain her angst any longer. She needed him, and the thought of him being so far away was excruciating to her.

Millais desperately wanted to kiss her, feel her warmth radiate over his skin, but he knew he had to make her see.

'Just be patient, Ethel. A few years at most...'

That was it. She had tried to be patient, she had tried being polite and courteous. She knew she had to understand that things were difficult and that their situation was unusual, but how could he possibly ask her to wait for _years_, when she hadn't even expected to wait a month?

She shrugged off his touch and turned away from him, not wanting to show the tears now shimmering in her eyes.

'We need to talk about this.'

'I don't want to talk any more. I think we've done enough talking.'

Millais sighed, exasperated. He understood she was upset, but this kind of attitude wasn't going to make it any easier.

'You're being very childish, Ethel.'

Had he meant to say that? Had that not been an inner thought which was never supposed to reach his lips? Did he truly just say she was behaving like a child?

By the look on her face, the answer was evident.

'Excuse me?'

Her voice ricocheted through his head, making his heart judder and leap with fear. She looked ready to kill him, and there were certainly plenty of implements she could use!

'Ethel-'

'I think you should leave. This is- It's too much, Millais, it's too much. I can't think with you here... I need time.' Her voice was breaking, her legs trembling. Ethel felt she might collapse at any moment, and she knew she had to get out of there fast. Seeing him, knowing how close he was to her, was completely over-whelming her. She just wanted to run.

'Please, Ethel. Let's not leave it like this,' Millais begged, his whole body aching to pull her closer. She was hurting, and as a doctor, it seemed only right that he was the one to heal her.

However, she shook her head, her mouth clamped shut, and he knew there would be no changing her mind right now.

'All right. You know where to find me.'

With these fairly neutral parting words, he left, and Ethel was left alone to contemplate a very lonely future...

***OK, so I know this was supposed to be the last part, but it seems I am rather addicted to this storyline now! Sorry if I'm dragging it out, but I simply cannot part ways just yet. One more ****chapter?***


	8. Chapter 8

Millais had engrossed himself in paperwork for the entire evening – reports and files littered his desk, while he furiously wrote yet another letter to yet another medical professional explaining why he was intending on leaving. All this procedure was tiresome and unnecessary, but it gave him an excuse to avoid far more pressing issues, and he was glad of it.

If he was honest with himself, he knew how cowardly his actions had been. He should never have expected Ethel to take it well, and he certainly shouldn't have left her in tears when she so obviously needed his support and comfort. He was a man, and it was the only logical explanation for his insensitivity. However, he was also a human being, and his heart was suffering as it withered beneath his flesh. He could feel his passion and motivation for this departure begin to fade, and he was certain that he wouldn't be able to board the train without making peace, with himself, and with his love.

As he signed his name, the ribbon of ink looping the 'L' in Culpin, he resolved that he needed to speak to her as soon as possible. It was nearing seven, and outside the street lamps flickered in the dusk. He was exhausted from lack of sleep, and he wished he could simply go home, but he knew that he would never rest until he had spoken to her.

With Ethel's face branded on his mind, he marched out of his office, heading for the Nurse's quarters.

xxx

'May I speak with... Nurse Bennett, please?' Millais asked when Laura eventually came to the door. She seemed reluctant to even reply, and he wondered how much Ethel had told the young woman about their relationship.

'I don't think she wants any company at the moment,' she eventually replied, and he almost hit the wall in fury. Why was she toying with him like this? Did she not know what this was doing to him?

'I need to see Ethel immediately. If you don't let me see her I will be forced to break this bloody door down!' He had snapped completely, so in turmoil had he become. He was usually such a rational, calm man, but now he was just another raving lunatic which continuously came through the doors of The London. He had turned into one of his patients!

Laura jumped, startled as she was, and nodded silently. The door was partly closed, and he could hear muffled voices through the gap. He waited, the seconds melting with one another in a relentless stream of nothing. He was slowly going insane...

'What do you want, Millais?'

Her voice brought him back to reality with a start, and as soon as he saw the raw skin beneath her eyes, her dishevelled hair and overall weary expression, he knew how much damage he had truly done.

'I came to see how you were. I need-' He sighed, his head bowed in shame. He could no more think of an answer than look her in the eye.

The silence stretched on, only broken by Ethel shifting her body from one foot to the other as she leaned against the open door. She wanted to go to bed, get pulled into a romantic novel, and fall asleep into the hazy dream she always had – where she and Millais were happily married with their auburn-curled children playing around them. The image of bliss, in her eyes at least.

'I love you,' he whispered gently, eventually looking her straight in the eye. He wanted – no, _needed, _to make her believe that. It was the only truth left to grip onto.

'I know, Millais. But sometimes love isn't enough. I need trust as well, and how can we ever have that? You promised me a new life – a better life – and now you say that you won't be sharing that life with me. I don't see how we can ever return to what we had after that...'

The thought that she might never forgive him made him sway backwards slightly, almost as though he were about to collapse. Millais had never even considered the possibility that Ethel would stay mad at him forever, but the look she gave him was enough for him to re-think that particular certainty.

In a wild and desperate gesture, he attempted to pull her forwards, his arm awkwardly slinging around her waist so he could bring her face closer to his. But she was angry at him, hurt for all the dreams and aspirations now wasted on a man she may never see again, and she pushed him away, not wanting to share another heart-wrenchingly intimate moment with him.

'I'm sorry, Millais, but I can't do this any more. I just can't.' She slammed the door in his face, and the handsome doctor was left broken as he closed his eyes, uncertain of his own future.

**I know this is a short chapter compared others, but I think this is the sort of turning point. I wanted to show the tensions between them, and not just how amazingly happy they are together. Please review as it means the world, and I am sorry for such a late update!**


	9. Chapter 9

**I cannot tell you how sorry I am for not updating this sooner! I don't really have any kind of excuse other than good old 'writer's block'. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, and hope you enjoy this belated instalment!**

He checked the time, combing his fingers through his hair as his frustration grew. What if she hadn't got his letter? What if Sister Luckes hadn't let her leave? What if she didn't want to see him?

"Please, Ethel," he whispered, leaning back against the train station wall, the cool, damp stone clearing his mind. She wasn't coming. And why would she? He had shattered any chance they had of a life together as soon as he pushed her away. And now it was too late…

His eyes slid up towards the clock yet again, willing the hands to tick slower as they moved nearer nine o' clock. He had ten minutes, and then that was it. He would board the train, and say goodbye to London. To England. He would be in Shanghai by the end of the week, and he doubted if he would ever return. How could he, when everything about England reminded him of her?

He lightly thudded the back of his head against the wall, feeling the loose dust crumbling into his tousled hair. _Bloody, stupid man_, he thought to himself, replaying that last, awkward moment he had shared with Ethel the day before.

His mind had been far off, floating along the Yangtze in a Chinese gondola, Ethel tucked into his side, dosing happily on his chest. He could almost feel her cool breath on his bare skin, his thumb gently stroking each of her slender fingers. The dream had been so strong that he hadn't noticed Ethel enter the room, and it was only when she dropped a syringe that he finally came back to reality. In that fleeting second where their startled eyes had met, he saw all the pain and disappointment he had caused, and he had no idea what he could do to make it better.

And then the moment had passed, the syringe was placed hurriedly back in the metal basin, and she had disappeared out the door before he had time to collect his thoughts. The only time he had ever really needed to say something, and words had failed him.

If he had just explained things properly – showed her that he had only ever wanted the best for her… But there was no point thinking of that now. Not when she had made her decision.

xxx

Laura watched as her friend sat on the end of the surgical bed in Dr Culpin's old room, tears pooling in the corners of her eyes before dripping onto her starched white uniform.

"Ethel-"

"Please, Laura, I'm fine," she said, though the fake strength in her voice was lost as she broke down again.

Laura rushed to her side, pulling her into a tight hug as though that would stop her shaking.

"I can't- He- Laura, it _hurts_."

"I know."

"It hurts so much."

"I know."

The tears flowed freely, and with them, Ethel's confession about the dreams she had had about their life together, the wedding they would have, the children they would bring into the world. With every sob and shake, another prayer was uttered that he would return, but they both knew how unlikely that was now.

"I should never have been angry at him. It wasn't his fault… I should have understood... Why do I always have to be so _stubborn_?" Ethel cried, beating her fist against the hard wooden table to her left. The pain shot through her arm, and just for a moment, she was distracted by the pain in her heart.

"Stop it! Ethel, stop it! Hurting yourself won't make things any better, and it certainly won't bring him back. If you truly want to see him, then go to the train station."

Ethel shook her head. "There's no point. His train leaves in less than ten minutes, and there is no way I can get there in time, even if I ran."

"Nurse Bennett, I do hope that is not defeat I hear in your tone," came a very familiar voice.

Both nurses looked up, wide eyed, and were met by the strangely soft expression of Sister Luckes. In one swift move, she pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and dried Ethel's eyes, much to the surprise of Ethel and Laura.

"Now, isn't that better? A nurse must always be presentable, and nurses at the London the most presentable of them all."

Ethel nodded half-heartedly, sniffing back further tears. Though Sister Luckes was being strangely nice, she couldn't help but feel angry at the woman who had ruined, perhaps forever, any chance she had of happiness.

"I have an admission to make, Nurse Bennett – I was the one who persuaded Dr Culpin to take the position in Shanghai and leave you here. I saw such great potential in you, but I see now that I let selfishness get in the way. You are a wonderful nurse, Ethel, and I am sure you would make for a remarkable doctor."

Laura squeezed Ethel's arm in agreement. "She only wants to say goodbye, matron."

"I know, and that is exactly what she is going to do."

Ethel shook her head again, feeling increasingly dejected as they tried to raise her hopes. "He leaves at nine. How on earth-?"

"Come with me, Ethel. Laura, if you could take over Ethel's duties, that would be greatly appreciated."

"Yes, matron," she replied before winking quickly at Ethel and leaving the room.

"Where are we going?" Ethel asked as she placed her feet back on solid ground, shaking slightly.

Sister Luckes smiled. "To ask for a favour."

xxx

"Where did you learn to drive?" Ethel called from the back seat of the car, unable to contain her curiosity.

Sister Luckes laughed and accelerated further as they made their way down the cobbled streets of London. "Sydney," she replied simply, smiling to herself at the memory of her beloved's face when she had asked him to teach her. It had been a sheer moment of spontaneity, and perhaps one of her most cherished memories.

Ethel nodded, surprised to find that she and Sister Luckes weren't so very different after all. "We only have another minute before he leaves. He could already be on the train!"

"There is always hope, Ethel. And if he loves you, then he will wait. Mark my words, he will not have boarded that train."

Even as Sister Luckes spoke the words, she wasn't sure she could truly make that kind of promise, especially to someone as deeply in love as Ethel. But she had said it now, and she knew she would do whatever she could to make sure it came true.

Ethel sat back and chewed on her bottom lip, a knot of nerves forming in her stomach. If he had left, then there was nothing more she could do. But would that mean he didn't love her after all, or just that he couldn't wait any longer? Either way, it would be the end of their relationship – a life with him would be impossible when he was in Shanghai and she was in London. But even knowing this, Ethel still furiously sought some kind of solution which would benefit everyone, no matter how futile it was.

As the car rounded yet another corner, Sister Luckes suddenly slammed on the brakes, sending Ethel flying forwards and hitting her head off the back of the passenger seat. As she fell backwards onto her seat, she groaned and placed a hand to her throbbing temple.

"What happened?" she asked quietly, her vision blurry as she blinked hard.

"There's a child in the middle of the road. He may be hurt, Ethel. I can't leave him-"

And just like that, Ethel's mind cleared. "Of course not. Let's see if we can get him somewhere comfortable, and then I'll run back to the hospital and get Dr Cul- Dr Ingrams."

Sister Luckes jumped out of the car and rushed to the boy's side, feeling for a pulse. "He's alive. I don't think I hit him – he was lying on the road before I had even braked."

"An illness, then? Do you think we should lift him?"

Sister Lucked frowned. "I think it would be easier for us to put him in the car and I can drive back. You need to get to the train station."

"No. I'll stay in the back with the boy and make sure he doesn't stop breathing. You can't be looking after him and driving at the same time-"

"Ethel," she interjected, "if there is one thing I regret in my entire life, it's that I never followed my heart. Not once. I let my duties rule me, and I thought nursing, as a vocation, meant that I couldn't have a life. But I was wrong, and though I cannot change my own circumstances, I'll be damned if you make the same mistakes I did."

For a second, the two women regarded each other and realised it was like looking in the mirror. "Thank you, matron," Ethel replied sincerely, and then hitched up her skirt and began to run like she had never run before.

xxx

Ethel could hear the whistle of the train before she even saw the station, and her heart fell at the thought of Millais sitting in one of the compartments, slowly moving further and further away from her. She forced herself to keep going, however, and gritted her teeth as she felt tears sting her eyes.

"Don't you dare," she whispered to herself, sprinting towards the tracks which were only a few metres away now.

"Millais!" she yelled desperately, panting heavily as the train departed just in time for her to arrive. "No…"

Ethel stood by the tracks, her entire body shaking as she watched him leave her life forever. She couldn't believe that after all that, she hadn't made it in time. All those prayers, all those wishes had fallen on deaf ears, and now she was alone.

"Ethel?"

She gasped, tears coming thick and fast as she turned to see Millais standing, rather confused, behind her. "What's happened?"

"You're here," she whispered, stretching out a hand which he rushed to take. "I can't believe you're here."

He smiled and rested his chin on her head. "Where else would I be?" he whispered, before pulling her into a tight and loving embrace.


End file.
